An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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