I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
