Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
