My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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