I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just threw up on my dentist
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
