one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm really busy with my period
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