Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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