my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
