So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
