Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
