then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
