Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
