There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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