you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
