ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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