if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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