the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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