my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
