I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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