Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
