You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
