My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
