you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
