We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
