Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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