so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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