I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
