You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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