I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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