When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
