HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
