a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
