You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
