Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
