Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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