You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
where are my eyebrows?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
