I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
