I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
