I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got inside last night via doggy door
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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