Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
