These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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