I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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