this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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