The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
