He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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