All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
