I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
