When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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