how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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