My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
