I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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