Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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