My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
