so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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