This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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