I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
